Month: January 2023

I wrote this diary for my family. I got a bit tired of giving constant updates by text on what we were doing with our lives and decided to write reports when anything changed and post them on Facebook so that they would know where we were and what we were doing. l loved writing while we were travelling but my absolute favourite day was ‘Welcome to Holland’ on November 2nd 2018, it still makes me laugh and reminds me of the happiness we shared.

This is the last entry in this diary. My life is forever changed, I’m no longer a wife, still a mother and yiayia but no longer a wife. I say this twice because it is important to me.

I have had to reevaluate myself and my future. It was very difficult in the beginning because I didn’t think I had a future, I didn’t think life was worth anything, I couldn’t see the point of thinking; even eating, drinking and getting up in the morning was so hard. Slowly and with the support of my family and friends I have recovered to the point that I am ready to start afresh.

For almost the whole of my life I have written, I wrote and still write poetry. I made up stories for the kids and wrote letters to Rickie, especially if I had something important to say. I couldn’t write for eighteen months after he died but the sea and my friends gave me back the desire to once again put pen to paper.

I should have gone to uni and studied years ago but the truth is that I didn’t believe I was clever enough, I thought I had cheated into being able to speak more than one language and that the stuff I wrote was just rubbish. (You never believe your parents, they’re supposed to tell you you can do things!)

I start studying on the 5th Feb this year and start a degree in English language in October this year, I can’t change my mind now because I have written it down so everybody will know. I don’t suddenly think I’m clever I just don’t care if I fail. I will continue to write but with a completely different purpose.

Thank you to everyone who has supported me over the last two years, I cannot express strongly enough how wonderful you have all been, especially to the one who helped me remember who I was, rediscover my own voice and make a choice about my future (you know who you are!) and thank you to everybody who enjoyed reading about our adventures over the last four years, I’m glad to have shared them.

Lots of love from Kären xxxx

I started 2022 with three children and one grandchild and along the way I collected two more children and one more grandchild, I knew they were mine and I have loved them for a long time but when their remaining parent died in August we knew they should be ours. I have an extra daughter, an extra son and am Yiayia to a gorgeous little girl . The beautiful V is living with me and she’s wonderful, Child One always wanted a sister and now she has two. I am so often moved by the kindness and compassion of my children and their partners and by how easy it is to grow love.

We had a fabulous Christmas in the Alps which was, for me anyway, an easing of sadness and a discovery of a new happiness.

I am still struggling to find the pieces of me that I didn’t realise were missing until I was on my own, I want to be an honest and complete representation of who I should be or should have been. Marriage and children create a particular path for one to follow which leaves certain aspects of ones development unmonitored. There are tools you need when you are no longer part of a team, parts of you that have been totally neglected. I am lucky, I have friends who are holding my hands and helping me to stand alone, reminding me of who I was before and showing me who I can be now.

I was asked what were my plans for the future, I walked a long way today and thought about that. I will be 58 next month, where do I want to go with my life now? I had planned to decide in July but why not now, the first day of a new year?

I want to be free to develop myself without compromise, a big ask in this fettered world, but I need freedom from compromise, freedom from the binds of my life as it was, freedom to be entire and complete, body, mind and spirit.

I will commence two projects simultaneously, (while looking after grandchildren) and in July when my deadline arrives I should have decided which path to follow, only time will tell whether I have chosen well.

Here’s to a totally new year.